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helpmejordan:

I was saving this for another… More, important day… But in light (or lack-there-of) of my depressive mood, I figured now would be a good time to share.

PARADISE


I’ve always wanted to go to Paris. It’s a dream I’ve had since I was very young when I would watch movies of people holding each other near the Eiffel Tower, with not a single care in the world. For most, this seemed like a common fantasy, but for me it was different. It was this romantic fantasy that drove me into a profound state of constant fear that I would never live long enough to do everything I ever wanted to do. 
…
It’s both rational and irrational to be afraid of death. I see it as if someone was wishing you goodnight before turning off the lights. Total darkness, and the last thing you see lingers in your mind constantly. I’m always afraid I’ll be trapped in a black purgatorial world, the final thing I ever laid my eyes on paused like a movie and painted permanently onto my soul as the last memory I‘d ever have. 
…
As the years went by, I ran into many people who didn’t understand. They went on through their lives with the same routines. I’d try to explain why, when they’d see tears running down my face at night, but nobody would understand what it’s like to be terrified of something so inevitable. 
…
Everyday I try to be hopeful for my future on this planet. I pray for my heaven to be anything other than the light of my existence burning out. It was when I found my own creativity that I realized what Paradise in Heaven really was. It was creating a story, and living on forever. Touching the pages of history and leaving my graceful mark on the chapter about myself.  
…
Now it seems almost completely irrational, to be so horribly terrified of death, and through all the time I wasted praying that I’d end up in Paradise, I never considered this one thought 
…
That I create my own Paradise.
…
I’ve always wanted to go to Paris (X)
helpmejordan.tumblr.com
(PS, this poem is important to me, please do not erase the links)

helpmejordan:

I was saving this for another… More, important day… But in light (or lack-there-of) of my depressive mood, I figured now would be a good time to share.

I’ve always wanted to go to Paris. It’s a dream I’ve had since I was very young when I would watch movies of people holding each other near the Eiffel Tower, with not a single care in the world. For most, this seemed like a common fantasy, but for me it was different. It was this romantic fantasy that drove me into a profound state of constant fear that I would never live long enough to do everything I ever wanted to do. 

It’s both rational and irrational to be afraid of death. I see it as if someone was wishing you goodnight before turning off the lights. Total darkness, and the last thing you see lingers in your mind constantly. I’m always afraid I’ll be trapped in a black purgatorial world, the final thing I ever laid my eyes on paused like a movie and painted permanently onto my soul as the last memory I‘d ever have. 

As the years went by, I ran into many people who didn’t understand. They went on through their lives with the same routines. I’d try to explain why, when they’d see tears running down my face at night, but nobody would understand what it’s like to be terrified of something so inevitable. 

Everyday I try to be hopeful for my future on this planet. I pray for my heaven to be anything other than the light of my existence burning out. It was when I found my own creativity that I realized what Paradise in Heaven really was. It was creating a story, and living on forever. Touching the pages of history and leaving my graceful mark on the chapter about myself.  

Now it seems almost completely irrational, to be so horribly terrified of death, and through all the time I wasted praying that I’d end up in Paradise, I never considered this one thought 

That I create my own Paradise.

I’ve always wanted to go to Paris (X)

helpmejordan.tumblr.com

(PS, this poem is important to me, please do not erase the links)

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